I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
