ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
