Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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