Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
