I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
