I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
