i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
