have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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