Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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