he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
