i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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