The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
