I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
