I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
