it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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