my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize