The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You dont lie about slip and slides
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
