Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize