either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
