Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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