Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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