oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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