I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize