I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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