My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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