While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
