His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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