I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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