She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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