Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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