Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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