I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize