EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
