Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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