you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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