when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize