I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We had to coat check the pizza.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
