Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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