I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
