Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
