she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
