there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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