I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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