either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
