I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
