So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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