The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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