Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
