At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
