We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
