My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
