haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
