Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
