It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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