I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
