I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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