FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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