PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
