I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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