This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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