Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
