Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
