just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
