Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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