Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
