Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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