Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sext me about skeletons
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
