Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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